I havnt been keeping up with the blog not because things aren't happening but because it seems that if I write them down then they are real, I have to face them, and I can no longer pretend everything will get better.
A lot has happened since I last wrote the day he started chemo. The chemo worked some I guess, it made the lump in his throat smaller so he could eat a little and swallow easier. After he went home we had a few more good visits, he seemed to be pretty much the same grandpa I had known all along. I think one of the best visits after chemo was when he had to come down to go to the doctor and we all went to where his house was in Magnolia. We all sat outside and talked while Kolby and the dogs played. It was a beautiful day with a slight breeze under the trees. It was the first time he took his hat off to show us that all his hair was gone, but of course he did it with a smile and made a small joke about it to Kolby. He was even able to have a small piece of coconut cake (which he said was not as good as the cakes I bake for him,lol).
After that we had a few more good visits but they were in the hospital up in Huntsville, which for the most part he liked, he said they came quick when he would buzz them. I think its because the nurses had nothing else to do, if you ever are there you will see its almost like walking into an empty building, you can walk many halls with out seeing a single person.
I think his first visit to Huntsville hospital was for a high fever that came on quick, but when we went to visit he seemed just fine other than having on the oxygen mask for a few minutes during the visit. After they released him that time with in days he was back that time for pneumonia. That stay was not near as short, infact I think it went on for a couple weeks. I know we visited him there for fathers day, me and Kolby gave him each a card and Kolby made him a tall coffee cup in school that he colored himself and wrote "Papa Bill" on. Then after a dr appt I had me and Angela went to visit him. The visit was short. He seemed to be in a semi-okay mood. He said he was tired of the hospital, and that he couldnt get any sleep cause a nurse or doctor was forever coming in to check on him. That is also the same visit that I made the mistake of commenting on all the bracelets he had on his arm, at that point he pointed to a yellow one that had "DNR" typed big and bold on it and asked me if I knew what that meant. I said no before I realized what it was...Do Not Resuscitate. After that I struggled to keep it together and I told him we would go so he could get some sleep. I barley made it to the hall before breaking down. It was almost like I was mad at him for not wanting the dr's to try to save him, but at the same time I understood he was suffering and he was tired. I am still so thankful Angela was with me that day she always seems to know the right things to say in those situations.
After that visit I think the next one was the last time I have seen him latley. It was maybe about a month ago after he was back home, well back at Jeff and Sherrys house. When we first got there he was sitting on the couch kind of hunched over, he looked so weak and so skinny, his clothes seemed sizes to big. At first he acted like he didnt know who we were and didnt say much, but after a couple of minutes he perked up a little and started talking to us. He showed us a hand grip machine thing he was supposed to be using to keep his strength up. He coughed alot and had to spit often but after a while he was even playing with Winter and she was surprisingly playing back. He even made it out to sit on the porch while we were leaving.
In the week that followed that visit grandma talked to Jeff and he said that Papas energy was up and he was doing much better. That he had even walked down the street and was eating a little. I really thought then things were going to start getting alot better. But in the week or so after that. But it wasnt but maybe a week later that he was back down again.
This past Friday afternoon, the 6th, I was out shopping with Leslie and mom called to tell me that hospice had been called in and he was given a week to a month at best, and that if we wanted him to know us when we came to visit that it needed to be as soon as possible. We were suppose to go today, Sunday, but I didnt want to. My grandma talked to Jeff this morning while I was over there and he said that hospice was on their way over to start his morphine, but that Papa was not doing good at all and he looked for it to be any day now that he goes.
We are supposed to go tomorrow but all day I have done back and fourth about if I want to go or not. If I knew that he didnt know who we were I would just not go, I would rather not see him that way. But if he does know who we are then I dont want him to thing that I didnt want to see him one last time or that I didnt care or wonder why we didnt come. But I also dont want to go and get upset infront of him and then end up upsetting him. I know this is the last time I will probably get to see him. I dont want him to suffer any longer but I am still not ready for him to be gone. He is the only grandfather I have ever really known and I am not ready to say good-bye.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Chemo.....Day 1
Papa started chemo today. He was supposed to start Monday but something the hospital was suppose to do wasnt right or ready, so for whatever reason he didnt get to start till today. Jeff and Sherry took off Monday Tuesday and Wednesday to be with him through it but because of the delay they had to go back to Livingston for work.
I left work early and went to be with him for it. I had this image of Chemo in my head that he would be placed in some sort of machine and somehow administered this stuff, somehow to me that was what Chemo was. You would think after working for a doctor for two+ years I would know what Chemo really was.
So anyways I took off and went up there at noon. He was alone when I got there he said I had just missed Jeff and Sherry by a few minutes. I was hoping to see them, its been years since the last time. When I got there they had started the medicine drip to keep his nausea down through his chemo. We sat and talked and watched a western show on tv, only this time it was in spanish the only one he could find I guess,lol. It reminded me of when I was in school and would get home and he was always watching a Western Tv show. I would sit with him for a minute then go to his and my grandmothers room to watch Sally Jesse Raphael (haha I loved her).
Nonetheless he was in a great mood today. I was so excited to see him so at ease. I could tell that he was wanting to shut his eyes for a few minutes so I told him I was going to grab lunch and would return with my grandma if she got off intime. After lunch me and my grandma returned to find that he had started Chemo, which to both our suprise was nothing more than another bag of fluid put through a line placed just below his collarbone/shoulder. He was still in a wonderful mood and seem to not be affected by the meds at all. The Chemo nurse kept a close eye on him and was never further than just outside his door (literally).
He was on his second bag of Chemo when we got there and the nurse said he had one more LARGE glass vial to do and then they would be starting his 1 liter bags that would go over a 24 hour period for the next 4 days. I am thinking thats the one that is going to really effect him. Or the toll of so much of it will. The nurse was one of only 8 nurses at the hospital trained to do Chemo and otherwise worked on the Critical Care Floor, with that said my papa joked he hoped he didnt have to visit her there and she reminded him that "he was going to be fine." and he would repeat to her that "yes, he was going to be fine." He even had his good luck bracelet on that someone had made for him.
While we were there my grandma asked me to take a photo of him so we could rememer his bright white hair. Sometimes I think she needs an edit button,lol. But to my suprise he let me take the picture, he even took a picture with me (and smiled =]) All the other photos I took today I did without him knowing.
Jeff and Sherry came back on their way back to Livingston and asked us to please come up everyday and check on him. He should be there until Sunday as long as everthing goes good. I hope when I return tomorrow he will be in the same mood he was in today.
I left work early and went to be with him for it. I had this image of Chemo in my head that he would be placed in some sort of machine and somehow administered this stuff, somehow to me that was what Chemo was. You would think after working for a doctor for two+ years I would know what Chemo really was.
So anyways I took off and went up there at noon. He was alone when I got there he said I had just missed Jeff and Sherry by a few minutes. I was hoping to see them, its been years since the last time. When I got there they had started the medicine drip to keep his nausea down through his chemo. We sat and talked and watched a western show on tv, only this time it was in spanish the only one he could find I guess,lol. It reminded me of when I was in school and would get home and he was always watching a Western Tv show. I would sit with him for a minute then go to his and my grandmothers room to watch Sally Jesse Raphael (haha I loved her).
Nonetheless he was in a great mood today. I was so excited to see him so at ease. I could tell that he was wanting to shut his eyes for a few minutes so I told him I was going to grab lunch and would return with my grandma if she got off intime. After lunch me and my grandma returned to find that he had started Chemo, which to both our suprise was nothing more than another bag of fluid put through a line placed just below his collarbone/shoulder. He was still in a wonderful mood and seem to not be affected by the meds at all. The Chemo nurse kept a close eye on him and was never further than just outside his door (literally).
He was on his second bag of Chemo when we got there and the nurse said he had one more LARGE glass vial to do and then they would be starting his 1 liter bags that would go over a 24 hour period for the next 4 days. I am thinking thats the one that is going to really effect him. Or the toll of so much of it will. The nurse was one of only 8 nurses at the hospital trained to do Chemo and otherwise worked on the Critical Care Floor, with that said my papa joked he hoped he didnt have to visit her there and she reminded him that "he was going to be fine." and he would repeat to her that "yes, he was going to be fine." He even had his good luck bracelet on that someone had made for him.
While we were there my grandma asked me to take a photo of him so we could rememer his bright white hair. Sometimes I think she needs an edit button,lol. But to my suprise he let me take the picture, he even took a picture with me (and smiled =]) All the other photos I took today I did without him knowing.
Jeff and Sherry came back on their way back to Livingston and asked us to please come up everyday and check on him. He should be there until Sunday as long as everthing goes good. I hope when I return tomorrow he will be in the same mood he was in today.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Stage 4
Well we got the final word. I guess you would say the final diagnosis on my grandpa. My mom called just a while ago so I could talk to Kolby, he as usual doesnt want to come home cause his cousins are over there. When she got back on the phone she told me they got news on my grandpa but it wasnt good......
His cancer is at stage 4. The doctor told them it is now in Gods hands. My mom said my grandpa is really upset. He is mad that it wasnt caught sooner. He knows now the signs were there all along. He knew his throat was closing but waited till it got too bad to go to a doctor.
I didnt even know there was a stage four I thought three was the highest it went. They were supposed to start Chemo on Monday I dont even know that they will atempt that now. He will never be able to eat again he will always be fed through his tube. Still, that doesnt mean that he doesnt still have time left. The doctor wont give him a time expectancy, or maybe its just that my family wont tell me. I feel like things are being hidden from me. I want to know. I may not like what I hear but I still want to know.
This is so real now. Its been real from the beginning but then there was hope he could get better. Now theres no hope, more of a waiting game of how long he can withstand. He is stubborn so I hope now more than ever he doesnt give up or give in.
As selfish as it is I am not ready to let him go. There are things I still want him here for. Our birthdays are coming up in the next couple weeks. It wouldnt be the same if he wasnt here. I know he wont be able to eat a cake I bake him, but atleast he will be here. And walking me down the isle at my wedding, there was a time where he was the only one I wanted to walk me down. In more recent years it has changed, I now want my dad and him on either side. But I still want him! More now than ever I am so happy he got to be a part of Kolbys life. He got to hold at least one of my babies, but I hope he is here to hold another.
His cancer is at stage 4. The doctor told them it is now in Gods hands. My mom said my grandpa is really upset. He is mad that it wasnt caught sooner. He knows now the signs were there all along. He knew his throat was closing but waited till it got too bad to go to a doctor.
I didnt even know there was a stage four I thought three was the highest it went. They were supposed to start Chemo on Monday I dont even know that they will atempt that now. He will never be able to eat again he will always be fed through his tube. Still, that doesnt mean that he doesnt still have time left. The doctor wont give him a time expectancy, or maybe its just that my family wont tell me. I feel like things are being hidden from me. I want to know. I may not like what I hear but I still want to know.
This is so real now. Its been real from the beginning but then there was hope he could get better. Now theres no hope, more of a waiting game of how long he can withstand. He is stubborn so I hope now more than ever he doesnt give up or give in.
As selfish as it is I am not ready to let him go. There are things I still want him here for. Our birthdays are coming up in the next couple weeks. It wouldnt be the same if he wasnt here. I know he wont be able to eat a cake I bake him, but atleast he will be here. And walking me down the isle at my wedding, there was a time where he was the only one I wanted to walk me down. In more recent years it has changed, I now want my dad and him on either side. But I still want him! More now than ever I am so happy he got to be a part of Kolbys life. He got to hold at least one of my babies, but I hope he is here to hold another.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
My First Hospital Visit with Papa
I just got back from the hospital, it was my first time seeing him since he was diagnosed with cancer. I hate that word I hate everything about that word, the way it sounds what it stands for and what it does to a person.
When I walked in he was asleep or so I thought. It took alot to hold back the tears and from passing out at the sight of him in bed looking so pale and weak. My aunt was on the phone in the corner talking to his daughter in law and my uncle was in one of the chairs off to the side of the room. The room was tiny. I walked over to the other side of him and sat my purse down, when I turned around he was looking at me. He asked how I got in the room if I had come in through the window. We were on the third floor, to say the least his pain meds were kicking in. I sat down in the chair next to his bed side and we talked a little on and off between him dosing in and out. He asked where everyone else way and I told him they were on they're way. He asked where they were going to sit, then in the same breath said to make my uncle get up and throw his chair out the window and they could sit out in the Garden (again I think his meds were working well for him). Shortly after that conversation my grandma, mom, Kolby, my cousin Pam and her boyfriend and baby came in. We were packed in now with very little room to spare, but my grandpa didnt seem bothered by all the company. I think he was just glad to see us all.
He showed me the feeding tube in his stomach that they had inserted in him Monday, and while I was there the nurse came in to push liquids through it. You could tell he was nervous he asked her questions about if it would hurt or would he taste it. She assured him it was simple and quick and he would taste nothing unless he burped. She said that tomorrow they were going to show him how to do it himself.
My aunt had talked to his daughter in law who was there when the "cancer" doctor came in today and told them that He has Cancer of the Esophagus. They have found a spot behind his heart and one in his lymphnodes. They did an MRI and the doctor wants to see him back in his office again for the results of that. My aunt thinks there may be more. He starts Chemo on Monday. That atleast gives me hope that they have to think there is a chance even if its a small one that maybe he will be able to pull through this.
He is having another surgery in the morning to insert a peg cath in him for his Chemo treatments. And then at some point tomorrow he is going to be released. I think they are taking him to Livingston where his son Jeff lives. Looks like I am going to be making a lot of trips over the weekends now.
When I walked in he was asleep or so I thought. It took alot to hold back the tears and from passing out at the sight of him in bed looking so pale and weak. My aunt was on the phone in the corner talking to his daughter in law and my uncle was in one of the chairs off to the side of the room. The room was tiny. I walked over to the other side of him and sat my purse down, when I turned around he was looking at me. He asked how I got in the room if I had come in through the window. We were on the third floor, to say the least his pain meds were kicking in. I sat down in the chair next to his bed side and we talked a little on and off between him dosing in and out. He asked where everyone else way and I told him they were on they're way. He asked where they were going to sit, then in the same breath said to make my uncle get up and throw his chair out the window and they could sit out in the Garden (again I think his meds were working well for him). Shortly after that conversation my grandma, mom, Kolby, my cousin Pam and her boyfriend and baby came in. We were packed in now with very little room to spare, but my grandpa didnt seem bothered by all the company. I think he was just glad to see us all.
He showed me the feeding tube in his stomach that they had inserted in him Monday, and while I was there the nurse came in to push liquids through it. You could tell he was nervous he asked her questions about if it would hurt or would he taste it. She assured him it was simple and quick and he would taste nothing unless he burped. She said that tomorrow they were going to show him how to do it himself.
My aunt had talked to his daughter in law who was there when the "cancer" doctor came in today and told them that He has Cancer of the Esophagus. They have found a spot behind his heart and one in his lymphnodes. They did an MRI and the doctor wants to see him back in his office again for the results of that. My aunt thinks there may be more. He starts Chemo on Monday. That atleast gives me hope that they have to think there is a chance even if its a small one that maybe he will be able to pull through this.
He is having another surgery in the morning to insert a peg cath in him for his Chemo treatments. And then at some point tomorrow he is going to be released. I think they are taking him to Livingston where his son Jeff lives. Looks like I am going to be making a lot of trips over the weekends now.
Monday, February 22, 2010
The Start...
Its been four days since we got the news, and a rollercoaster of emotions, one minute I think its all going to be okay and then the next I am crying uncontrollably in fear of losing him so soon. I find myself consumed by his diagnosis, which is still not a full one.
As I write this he is being admitted into the hospital. He called on his way there, I was suprised at the calmness in his voice almost as if it were any other call on any ordinary day. He seemed almost happy. He will be spending the next week there having tests porformed to get a full diagnosis. He will be having a feeding tube inserted to push fluids in and keep him healthy through this. They will hopefully know by tomorrow what stage his cancer is and what they can do to help him. I hope and pray its in its early stages and he has a great chance of overcoming, or even more that this was a mix up and he was given the wrong results...not that I want this imposed on anyone else or their family.
As I write this he is being admitted into the hospital. He called on his way there, I was suprised at the calmness in his voice almost as if it were any other call on any ordinary day. He seemed almost happy. He will be spending the next week there having tests porformed to get a full diagnosis. He will be having a feeding tube inserted to push fluids in and keep him healthy through this. They will hopefully know by tomorrow what stage his cancer is and what they can do to help him. I hope and pray its in its early stages and he has a great chance of overcoming, or even more that this was a mix up and he was given the wrong results...not that I want this imposed on anyone else or their family.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Getting the News
A little recap of the past two weeks or so....My Papa Bill starting feeling like his throat was closing up. Eating was getting progressivly harder and he was feeling like he was starting to suffocate. After going to the doctor they decided to go in and do a surgery to stretch his throat. February 11 i beleive is the day he went in for surgery....everything I assume went as planned that morning and they began the surgery. Not long into the procedure the doctor stopped unable to get his tools down far enough to stretch his throat and ended up taking a biopsy sample to send off for testing.
Yesterday th doctor called and told my Papa the results were in but they "didnt look promising." but none the less to return to his office today at 2:15. So now today February 18, 2009 my grandpa along with my grandma his son Jeff and my aunt Renea went to the doctor appointment for the test results. All day long its been all i could think about. At around 2pm I finally took off work a little early i could no longer focus in the least bit. I had to leave. I had to do something to get my mind off it for a little bit. So i net up with Morgan to run to the outlet mall and the Woodlands mall. 3o'clock came around then three thirty and still no word on the results. At 4 minutes till 4 I finally called my mom to see if she had heard anything yet....CANCER. My grandpa has cancer.
Yesterday th doctor called and told my Papa the results were in but they "didnt look promising." but none the less to return to his office today at 2:15. So now today February 18, 2009 my grandpa along with my grandma his son Jeff and my aunt Renea went to the doctor appointment for the test results. All day long its been all i could think about. At around 2pm I finally took off work a little early i could no longer focus in the least bit. I had to leave. I had to do something to get my mind off it for a little bit. So i net up with Morgan to run to the outlet mall and the Woodlands mall. 3o'clock came around then three thirty and still no word on the results. At 4 minutes till 4 I finally called my mom to see if she had heard anything yet....CANCER. My grandpa has cancer.
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