Almost the End....

I havnt been keeping up with the blog not because things aren't happening but because it seems that if I write them down then they are real, I have to face them, and I can no longer pretend everything will get better.

A lot has happened since I last wrote the day he started chemo. The chemo worked some I guess, it made the lump in his throat smaller so he could eat a little and swallow easier. After he went home we had a few more good visits, he seemed to be pretty much the same grandpa I had known all along. I think one of the best visits after chemo was when he had to come down to go to the doctor and we all went to where his house was in Magnolia. We all sat outside and talked while Kolby and the dogs played. It was a beautiful day with a slight breeze under the trees. It was the first time he took his hat off to show us that all his hair was gone, but of course he did it with a smile and made a small joke about it to Kolby. He was even able to have a small piece of coconut cake (which he said was not as good as the cakes I bake for him,lol).

After that we had a few more good visits but they were in the hospital up in Huntsville, which for the most part he liked, he said they came quick when he would buzz them. I think its because the nurses had nothing else to do, if you ever are there you will see its almost like walking into an empty building, you can walk many halls with out seeing a single person.

I think his first visit to Huntsville hospital was for a high fever that came on quick, but when we went to visit he seemed just fine other than having on the oxygen mask for a few minutes during the visit. After they released him that time with in days he was back that time for pneumonia. That stay was not near as short, infact I think it went on for a couple weeks. I know we visited him there for fathers day, me and Kolby gave him each a card and Kolby made him a tall coffee cup in school that he colored himself and wrote "Papa Bill" on. Then after a dr appt I had me and Angela went to visit him. The visit was short. He seemed to be in a semi-okay mood. He said he was tired of the hospital, and that he couldnt get any sleep cause a nurse or doctor was forever coming in to check on him. That is also the same visit that I made the mistake of commenting on all the bracelets he had on his arm, at that point he pointed to a yellow one that had "DNR" typed big and bold on it and asked me if I knew what that meant. I said no before I realized what it was...Do Not Resuscitate. After that I struggled to keep it together and I told him we would go so he could get some sleep. I barley made it to the hall before breaking down. It was almost like I was mad at him for not wanting the dr's to try to save him, but at the same time I understood he was suffering and he was tired. I am still so thankful Angela was with me that day she always seems to know the right things to say in those situations.

After that visit I think the next one was the last time I have seen him latley. It was maybe about a month ago after he was back home, well back at Jeff and Sherrys house. When we first got there he was sitting on the couch kind of hunched over, he looked so weak and so skinny, his clothes seemed sizes to big. At first he acted like he didnt know who we were and didnt say much, but after a couple of minutes he perked up a little and started talking to us. He showed us a hand grip machine thing he was supposed to be using to keep his strength up. He coughed alot and had to spit often but after a while he was even playing with Winter and she was surprisingly playing back. He even made it out to sit on the porch while we were leaving.

In the week that followed that visit grandma talked to Jeff and he said that Papas energy was up and he was doing much better. That he had even walked down the street and was eating a little. I really thought then things were going to start getting alot better. But in the week or so after that. But it wasnt but maybe a week later that he was back down again.

This past Friday afternoon, the 6th, I was out shopping with Leslie and mom called to tell me that hospice had been called in and he was given a week to a month at best, and that if we wanted him to know us when we came to visit that it needed to be as soon as possible. We were suppose to go today, Sunday, but I didnt want to. My grandma talked to Jeff this morning while I was over there and he said that hospice was on their way over to start his morphine, but that Papa was not doing good at all and he looked for it to be any day now that he goes.

We are supposed to go tomorrow but all day I have done back and fourth about if I want to go or not. If I knew that he didnt know who we were I would just not go, I would rather not see him that way. But if he does know who we are then I dont want him to thing that I didnt want to see him one last time or that I didnt care or wonder why we didnt come. But I also dont want to go and get upset infront of him and then end up upsetting him. I know this is the last time I will probably get to see him. I dont want him to suffer any longer but I am still not ready for him to be gone. He is the only grandfather I have ever really known and I am not ready to say good-bye.