Well we got the final word. I guess you would say the final diagnosis on my grandpa. My mom called just a while ago so I could talk to Kolby, he as usual doesnt want to come home cause his cousins are over there. When she got back on the phone she told me they got news on my grandpa but it wasnt good......
His cancer is at stage 4. The doctor told them it is now in Gods hands. My mom said my grandpa is really upset. He is mad that it wasnt caught sooner. He knows now the signs were there all along. He knew his throat was closing but waited till it got too bad to go to a doctor.
I didnt even know there was a stage four I thought three was the highest it went. They were supposed to start Chemo on Monday I dont even know that they will atempt that now. He will never be able to eat again he will always be fed through his tube. Still, that doesnt mean that he doesnt still have time left. The doctor wont give him a time expectancy, or maybe its just that my family wont tell me. I feel like things are being hidden from me. I want to know. I may not like what I hear but I still want to know.
This is so real now. Its been real from the beginning but then there was hope he could get better. Now theres no hope, more of a waiting game of how long he can withstand. He is stubborn so I hope now more than ever he doesnt give up or give in.
As selfish as it is I am not ready to let him go. There are things I still want him here for. Our birthdays are coming up in the next couple weeks. It wouldnt be the same if he wasnt here. I know he wont be able to eat a cake I bake him, but atleast he will be here. And walking me down the isle at my wedding, there was a time where he was the only one I wanted to walk me down. In more recent years it has changed, I now want my dad and him on either side. But I still want him! More now than ever I am so happy he got to be a part of Kolbys life. He got to hold at least one of my babies, but I hope he is here to hold another.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
My First Hospital Visit with Papa
I just got back from the hospital, it was my first time seeing him since he was diagnosed with cancer. I hate that word I hate everything about that word, the way it sounds what it stands for and what it does to a person.
When I walked in he was asleep or so I thought. It took alot to hold back the tears and from passing out at the sight of him in bed looking so pale and weak. My aunt was on the phone in the corner talking to his daughter in law and my uncle was in one of the chairs off to the side of the room. The room was tiny. I walked over to the other side of him and sat my purse down, when I turned around he was looking at me. He asked how I got in the room if I had come in through the window. We were on the third floor, to say the least his pain meds were kicking in. I sat down in the chair next to his bed side and we talked a little on and off between him dosing in and out. He asked where everyone else way and I told him they were on they're way. He asked where they were going to sit, then in the same breath said to make my uncle get up and throw his chair out the window and they could sit out in the Garden (again I think his meds were working well for him). Shortly after that conversation my grandma, mom, Kolby, my cousin Pam and her boyfriend and baby came in. We were packed in now with very little room to spare, but my grandpa didnt seem bothered by all the company. I think he was just glad to see us all.
He showed me the feeding tube in his stomach that they had inserted in him Monday, and while I was there the nurse came in to push liquids through it. You could tell he was nervous he asked her questions about if it would hurt or would he taste it. She assured him it was simple and quick and he would taste nothing unless he burped. She said that tomorrow they were going to show him how to do it himself.
My aunt had talked to his daughter in law who was there when the "cancer" doctor came in today and told them that He has Cancer of the Esophagus. They have found a spot behind his heart and one in his lymphnodes. They did an MRI and the doctor wants to see him back in his office again for the results of that. My aunt thinks there may be more. He starts Chemo on Monday. That atleast gives me hope that they have to think there is a chance even if its a small one that maybe he will be able to pull through this.
He is having another surgery in the morning to insert a peg cath in him for his Chemo treatments. And then at some point tomorrow he is going to be released. I think they are taking him to Livingston where his son Jeff lives. Looks like I am going to be making a lot of trips over the weekends now.
When I walked in he was asleep or so I thought. It took alot to hold back the tears and from passing out at the sight of him in bed looking so pale and weak. My aunt was on the phone in the corner talking to his daughter in law and my uncle was in one of the chairs off to the side of the room. The room was tiny. I walked over to the other side of him and sat my purse down, when I turned around he was looking at me. He asked how I got in the room if I had come in through the window. We were on the third floor, to say the least his pain meds were kicking in. I sat down in the chair next to his bed side and we talked a little on and off between him dosing in and out. He asked where everyone else way and I told him they were on they're way. He asked where they were going to sit, then in the same breath said to make my uncle get up and throw his chair out the window and they could sit out in the Garden (again I think his meds were working well for him). Shortly after that conversation my grandma, mom, Kolby, my cousin Pam and her boyfriend and baby came in. We were packed in now with very little room to spare, but my grandpa didnt seem bothered by all the company. I think he was just glad to see us all.
He showed me the feeding tube in his stomach that they had inserted in him Monday, and while I was there the nurse came in to push liquids through it. You could tell he was nervous he asked her questions about if it would hurt or would he taste it. She assured him it was simple and quick and he would taste nothing unless he burped. She said that tomorrow they were going to show him how to do it himself.
My aunt had talked to his daughter in law who was there when the "cancer" doctor came in today and told them that He has Cancer of the Esophagus. They have found a spot behind his heart and one in his lymphnodes. They did an MRI and the doctor wants to see him back in his office again for the results of that. My aunt thinks there may be more. He starts Chemo on Monday. That atleast gives me hope that they have to think there is a chance even if its a small one that maybe he will be able to pull through this.
He is having another surgery in the morning to insert a peg cath in him for his Chemo treatments. And then at some point tomorrow he is going to be released. I think they are taking him to Livingston where his son Jeff lives. Looks like I am going to be making a lot of trips over the weekends now.
Monday, February 22, 2010
The Start...
Its been four days since we got the news, and a rollercoaster of emotions, one minute I think its all going to be okay and then the next I am crying uncontrollably in fear of losing him so soon. I find myself consumed by his diagnosis, which is still not a full one.
As I write this he is being admitted into the hospital. He called on his way there, I was suprised at the calmness in his voice almost as if it were any other call on any ordinary day. He seemed almost happy. He will be spending the next week there having tests porformed to get a full diagnosis. He will be having a feeding tube inserted to push fluids in and keep him healthy through this. They will hopefully know by tomorrow what stage his cancer is and what they can do to help him. I hope and pray its in its early stages and he has a great chance of overcoming, or even more that this was a mix up and he was given the wrong results...not that I want this imposed on anyone else or their family.
As I write this he is being admitted into the hospital. He called on his way there, I was suprised at the calmness in his voice almost as if it were any other call on any ordinary day. He seemed almost happy. He will be spending the next week there having tests porformed to get a full diagnosis. He will be having a feeding tube inserted to push fluids in and keep him healthy through this. They will hopefully know by tomorrow what stage his cancer is and what they can do to help him. I hope and pray its in its early stages and he has a great chance of overcoming, or even more that this was a mix up and he was given the wrong results...not that I want this imposed on anyone else or their family.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Getting the News
A little recap of the past two weeks or so....My Papa Bill starting feeling like his throat was closing up. Eating was getting progressivly harder and he was feeling like he was starting to suffocate. After going to the doctor they decided to go in and do a surgery to stretch his throat. February 11 i beleive is the day he went in for surgery....everything I assume went as planned that morning and they began the surgery. Not long into the procedure the doctor stopped unable to get his tools down far enough to stretch his throat and ended up taking a biopsy sample to send off for testing.
Yesterday th doctor called and told my Papa the results were in but they "didnt look promising." but none the less to return to his office today at 2:15. So now today February 18, 2009 my grandpa along with my grandma his son Jeff and my aunt Renea went to the doctor appointment for the test results. All day long its been all i could think about. At around 2pm I finally took off work a little early i could no longer focus in the least bit. I had to leave. I had to do something to get my mind off it for a little bit. So i net up with Morgan to run to the outlet mall and the Woodlands mall. 3o'clock came around then three thirty and still no word on the results. At 4 minutes till 4 I finally called my mom to see if she had heard anything yet....CANCER. My grandpa has cancer.
Yesterday th doctor called and told my Papa the results were in but they "didnt look promising." but none the less to return to his office today at 2:15. So now today February 18, 2009 my grandpa along with my grandma his son Jeff and my aunt Renea went to the doctor appointment for the test results. All day long its been all i could think about. At around 2pm I finally took off work a little early i could no longer focus in the least bit. I had to leave. I had to do something to get my mind off it for a little bit. So i net up with Morgan to run to the outlet mall and the Woodlands mall. 3o'clock came around then three thirty and still no word on the results. At 4 minutes till 4 I finally called my mom to see if she had heard anything yet....CANCER. My grandpa has cancer.
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